Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
In America we eat man semen.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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