i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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