Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
