he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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