I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
