The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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