I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
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