theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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