Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
