Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
