I am spending my child support on dildos
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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