Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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