i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
