Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
