hell yes lets make some ravioli
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
