he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
