I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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