i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It's never too late to be topless.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
