I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
