I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
