You're so nebulous sometimes
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
