Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
