I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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