so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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