don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
