and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
