I never want to see another naked old woman again.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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