Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
