I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
