Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
