why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
