How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
