New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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