I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You're like the curious george of whores
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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