And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
