just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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