Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
