I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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