I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I have fence marks all over my body
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
