I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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