I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
