I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Also, beer. Big fan.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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