Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
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