Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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