I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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