I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
