I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Randomize
