i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
