I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
