So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
